Stark, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
by Nienna Nir
Summary: The Iron Man suit is a 100% enclosed environment, a very valuable feature if you're going to fly into space or fall into the ocean. It's also a very valuable feature if you hang out with the Avengers. Part of the Series: Coulson Lives but the Avengers might be the death of him.


"How does this happen?" Tony demanded, the voice modulator of his suit doing nothing to hide his ire. "How does this even happen?"

"Tony, shut up," Steve groaned from where he lay on the pavement, his arm flung over his eyes.

"How does, well anyone, really but you in particular," Tony continued. "Manage to lead half your team into such a painfully obvious booby trap?" Clint let out an obscene giggle.

"He said 'boobies'." Clint declared, nuzzling Natasha's shoulder with a grin.

"You're an idiot," Natasha observed, her back ramrod straight and her eyes fixed on a single point in front of her as if it commanded all her attention. Clint shuffled a little closer to her, wrapping both arms around her bicep.

"It is pointless to censure him now, Anthony," Thor observed with a slight frown. He'd situated himself on an overturned Volkswagon, his booted foot propped against the only remaining tire.

"Why am I the only one pissed about this?" Tony demanded, glaring down at Steve. "_You're_ our fearless leader and you fucked up!"

"Tony, don't yell," Steve whined. "My head hurts."

"Of course your head hurts!" Tony snapped. "You're high! Getting a nosebleed from the altitude yet, Freezer Pop?"

"It's not that bad," Bruce mumbled, stretching, cat like. Tony smacked one gauntleted hand to his forehead with a loud clank.

"Bruce, pull it together and help me here," Tony insisted, reaching out and straightening Bruce's glasses that had crept down the end of his nose to dangle half off his face.

"I was leaving them off so I could justify everything being blurry," Bruce complained, looking up at Tony through half lidded eyes.

"Come on," Tony coaxed. "just think, what happened? How did you get exposed?"

"Boobies," Clint said again, still giggling.

"Don't be a гандо́н," Natasha scolded, her vowels drawing out in a hint of a Russian accent. Thor let out a snort of amusement as Steve's face turned bright red beneath his arm.

"Seriously," Tony barked out. "We need to try to figure out what you got hit with, what the potential side effects are!"

"It's no problem," Bruce insisted hazily. "We're just strung out."

"Be glad it's not Sex Pollen," Natasha declared drily, dropping half her consonants.

"Wait," Tony's helm turned to face her. "Like on Star Trek? That's an actual thing?"

"SHIELD protocol 3-17," Clint nodded, curling into Natasha like a demanding puppy.

"Son of a Bitch," Iron Man declared. "Are you sure it's not…" his voice trailed off as he waved a gauntlet in Clint's direction.

"If it were an actual 3-17, sex would be involved already," Natasha stated, completely unfazed.

"Oh god, my brain," Stark declared, digging his fingers into the temples of his helmet.

"Do we have any injuries?" Tony looked up at Phil's voice to see the agent striding purposefully down the street, his face obscured by a respirator.

"Where have you been?" Tony demanded sourly.

"Securing the perimeter," Phil replied, slightly taken aback "I have Containment inbound."

"Gas mask!" Clint giggled, pointing at Phil.

"Are you my mummy?" Steve asked, uncovering one eye to gaze up at Phil. Clint blurted out a crow of a laugh, wrapping both arms around Natasha as he cackled into her shoulder.

"Get the Ебать off me!" Natasha snapped at him, her words rolling in a thick Russian lilt.

"Gas mask," Clint guffawed as if it were the most hysterical thing he'd ever seen. "Steve, Phil."

"You need to stop talking," Natasha bit out through her slavic timbre. "You've lost everything but your nouns, you sound like an idiot."

"But… boobies!" Clint protested gleefully. "Stark… Sex!" Tony let out a pained groan.

"A wild verb appears," Bruce stated, a mellow smile curling his lips.

"Sex is a noun, жопоро́жец," Natasha shot him a condescending look.

"But it's an action," Clint protested, snuggling closer to her as he looked up at her with huge, rounded eyes.

"Use 'sexing' in a sentence," Natasha challenged.

"Can't" Steve declared, pointing at Clint with his free arm. "Nouns."

"They're all high," Phil observed, looking around at the assembled superheroes with thinly veiled horror. "Thor?"

"Hmm," Thor shrugged, holding up his hand with his thumb and forefinger an inch apart. Tony's masked face turned on him in what was undoubtedly a glare, as if Thor's impairment were somehow a betrayal.

"How did this happen?" Phil demanded, turning to Tony.

"Damned if I know!" Tony answered in exasperation. "I'm about to mash a giant dragon-walrus and all of a sudden Cap calls in that he's found the command center. Widow followed him in as backup and next thing I know Cap's yelling into the coms, buildings are collapsing and Thor's trying to pull Cupid and the Big guy back. And they all come out of the rubble looking like the road crew for the Stones!"

"And you're not affected?" Coulson asked, concern in his expression.

"Hermetically sealed suit, Agent," Tony reminded.

"Doctor Banner?" Phil turned to Bruce who smiled up a him serenely, giving him a thumbs up. Phil gaped at him a moment. "I didn't think it was possible for the Hulk to be affected." He declared, turning back to Tony.

"Hulk was intent upon rescuing our fallen comrades from the building's debris," Thor stated, slouching with his chin in his palm, his eyes half lidded. "I was unable to restrain him. There was an explosion and a peaceful feeling that washed over me like a spring zephyr and instantly the Great Hulk became docile and curled up upon the pavement like an infant dragon."

"No anger, no Hulk," Phil nodded.

"And that's just great," Tony observed. "because that is a scientific discovery of monumental proportions. Expect we don't know what it is, because _someone_ blew up the damn lab!" He gave Steve a sharp prod with the toe of his suit.

"Ow, Tony, stop being a dick!" Steve complained, his words slurred. Clint let out a snort of a laugh.

"Don't let it bother you, Tony," Bruce hummed mildly. "I've been down this road before. It only works if I stay high. Too distracting… can't concentrate… crickets." The Iron Man helm sank an inch as if Tony were gaping at him.

"O, look," Natasha declared, her posture still painfully rigid as she glanced at Clint out of the corner of her eye. "Somevon is ewen more vasted than oou."

"Wow," somehow the Iron Man modulator managed to make the word sound small.

"I'm going to need a second hazmat crew and two more containment vehicles," Phil said into the coms with a sigh.

"That's it?" Tony demanded. "Scrub 'em down stick them in their jammies and hope they sleep it off?"

"I'm open for suggestions," Phil declared drily.

"Burgers," Steve stated from his place on the sidewalk.

"Double cheese burgers," Clint nodded in agreement. "With pickles."

"And barbecue sauce." Bruce yawned, lolling back against the pulled up chunk of sidewalk he was wedged against.

"Bacon," Thor added.

"Vith fries und onyon rings," Natasha stated.

"I hate all of you," Tony declared. "I want you to know that.

"Captain America said 'dick'." Clint giggled.

"заткнитесь, прежде чем я убью тебя" Natasha grumbled.

Phil and Tony stared at each other in silence for a long moment.

"So," Phil observed. "Burgers, fries, onion rings."

"Chocolate milk shakes," Iron Man huffed, folding his armored arms over his chest.

"Vanilla," Clint requested, his head now in Natasha's lap.

* * *

**Note:**

This story is part of a series called "Coulson Lives but the Avengers Might be the Death of him." The full list of stories and their chronological order can be found on my profile page


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